Once again you make my heart stir
From the mere, slightest gesture
A kind soul with a loving heart
An ice-cream cone with your touch

I realized today that if I were to ever go overseas to study, it would be quite difficult for me to leave everything here in S'pore with a peace of mind. Going back to my grandma' house tonight made me feel an overwhelming sense of homecoming; her aromatic cooking, loving gaze, tender touch.. Just being there makes me feel like I've reach home and that I'm now in a safe haven. Bonding with my aunts over a pot of delicious steamboat and chatter of dialect gave me a deep sense of nostalgia, and I wondered then if we would always be able to do this. Then later, when my uncle came over to have yet another insightful and brain-boggling discussion, I could feel that deep set happiness that I've not felt in a long time. Family truly means the world to me, and I know now that I would never be able to desert them, not matter how hard I may try.

But at the same time I feel truly blessed for all these. Do I deserve it though? All the bad things I've done, all the sins I've committed, all the thoughts that I should never have had in my mind- they've yet to be washed away, yet I'm given so much to cherish and love. Makes me feel like I'm absolutely unworthy of everything, and then I fear too that they will all be taken away too soon. Just like that saying, "All good things must come to an end".

& then the sweet, yet strange gesture from a certain someone that made me wonder why the hell you're doing this.

The O'lvls are finally over! I should be relieved, but not as much as I thought I would feel. Maybe it's because the beginning has only just begun. The hard work to pave the way to my ultimate goal has started, and my workload intensifies threefold with every day that I continue on my marked mission. It's hard work, worse than the O'lvls and more so than I've ever done. But it's so worth it- everything I've done thus far doesn't feel like work. It makes me feel like I've finally done something that is worthwhile, something that's worth fighting for. A feeling that I lost since I stopped dancing.

Maybe it's my calling? I'm not sure at the moment, and despite the faith that so many others have in me, I still have seeds of doubt residing in my heart. It's not that I don't take to heart what others tell me, or that I don't believe them, but it's just that for me to truly believe that I'm can do this, it'll take a lot of achievement and at least a sense of accomplishment to convince myself.

I hope that my decision is right this time. The mistake I made the last time was a hard lesson to bear and a bitter pill to swallow. An experience I hope never to repeat ever again. Speaking with my seniors yesterday did quite a lot to boost my confidence, and I'm starting to feel a lot more at ease right now. My heart to heart with the Fishy was fantastic too (: She truly gives her opinions with brutal honesty, yet with a hint of affection. I'm grateful to have friends like that- ones who are never afraid to tell me what they truly think. And I feel even more thankful for JCA; friends who will always support me and be there for me, no matter the decisions I make and the stupid mistakes I commit.

I apologise to those who don't really understand what they're reading right now. No I'm not talking about my results or future goals. It's so much more than that. I won't be mentioning anything about this for quite a while because I want to be sure that I can walk this path before I share this with more people. A selected few would know what this post indicates to, but if you don't know, please don't feel offended that I'm not telling you. It's not that I don't regard you as a friend or that I don't trust you enough to tell you, but it's more of that I want this to be something that I can have for myself- just for a little while.
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On a lighter note, I have an effing flu that caused me to lose my voice. And I had to miss a shopping trip with Reg, Jt, Tuna and QN ): SAD LIFE I TELL YOU. SIGH. I blame it on O'lvls.