When everyone else forgets, maybe it's time to move on. I can feel change in the air. I've many goals this year and I intend to make good of them. I'll make 2012 my year. This will probably be my last post here~ gonna be deleting my livejournal and either making a new one or finding another space to blog. Kinda' tired of livejournal and I need change in my life.

P/S: My new writing space: http://emeraldbow.wordpress.com/

I wanted to post on my recent trip to Turkey, but I need to get this outta my head first.

I know it's stupid, shallow and so very trivial but I really hate feeling like I'll forever be alone. The idea of going into a relationship terrifies me honestly, and I know that I'm definitely not ready~ be it emotionally or mentally. I can't stand the thought of allowing someone close enough to break my heart again and I don't fancy going through all the pain, hurt and heartbreak that's sure to come with the love, romance and happiness. But despite all these, I know that deep down, I would want to date someone in the future. Maybe not in the next 5 years, but I want to know that somewhere along the way, I would meet someone that loves me enough to want to fight for me. I want to fall in love one day, and be loved back just as deeply- if not even more so. I want to experience the chase, the honeymoon period and the relationship after; no matter how it ends up. And yet, I can see none of this in my future. I can't picture anyone asking me out on a date.

And it's just pathetic of me to long for a romance when there's so much of life that I haven't experienced yet; things that are more important than finding that kinda' love. Things like education, traveling, friendship, family and finding oneself. Seeing others so in love though, makes me wonder what it would be like to feel that way. Then of course, there are those books that I've been reading recently; all that passion, chemistry and romance certainly took my breath away. And the guys in those stories~ oohh la la :b

Maybe I should just stick to burying myself in my studies. Seems a lot less lonely and sad as opposed to longing for someone who doesn't even exist; at least, not outside of my head.

P/S: I did finally nailed down the five aspects I want in a relationship though. Passion, chemistry, friendship, love and companionship.

Not my reflection

In that image, I see not a reflection
But a distant dream that I've always had
Opposite to what I am
And so much more desirable

In my own, I can't face
The picture that moves with me
We have movements that are in sync
But I cannot acknowledge it

Oh how I yearn to be, but somehow
I cannot. And I want to.
Like the ocean slipping through
My fingers. I know it's there, but it's not.

The symphony of languages
Fuse together to become one
I can only hear that which I'm obsessed with
My own myriad of colours

Throwing out the old to make space for
The new. The pretty. The lovely.
A past so haunted, I hear the screams
Even worse; the whispers.

Nightmares of stillness plagues me
Sleep slips away and becomes an enemy
Friends I can see not, but know of
People I dream of, but touch not.

It's the first OCIP meeting tomorrow and I'm nervous AS. Hopefully I'm not too rusty at this volunteer business. It feels like orientation all over again, cept' I have to get used to this real quick. I'm kinda excited too though, cause I'm finally getting down to some meaningful volunteer work again!! AND OF COURSE, WHO CAN FORGET THE YC DANCE PRACTICE THIS SUNDAY?!!! *squeals*

YES, I'm finally home!!! It's such an awesome feeling to come back to a place where my beloved friends and family are at; home.

If there's one thing that I learnt from prom, it would be that I really really need to get out there and socialize more next year. I saw so many familiar faces, yet only few that I could actually approach. Funny how a year ago, I wouldn't have bothered about this. I guess I feel kinda' disturbed that I knew so many people at the start of the year and by the end of it, there are only a few handfuls that I can genuinely smile at. I don't want to always be the wallflower or the girl that nobody knew existed. I want to actually walk around campus for once and be a familiar face to others. I want to be able to high-five more than a handful of guy friends and have a diverse group of friends. I want to feel confident about myself from now on and not hide behind this cold, aloof mask that I've donned on for so long. I want to speak and be heard. 

I don't really know why I've always been so afraid of speaking out, of making many friends and of socializing. I mean, yeah I'm definitely still a lil' socially awkward at times, but I don't want to be anymore. I really really hope, and wish, that University would be different. It's my last chance to have fun and go a lil' crazy before I'm officially introduced into the working society- where it'll probably more than a lil' political and not so fun. Though of course, how can such a big change take place in such a short time? I don't expect that much of a difference honestly, but I dearly hope that I won't try hiding or escaping anymore.

And I'll start with whipping my body back into shape with a healthy diet and A LOT of exercise. Those SAJC prom photos showed me how HUGE I've become. I really really need to lose all that weight ._. Thank goodness for the end of exams- now I don't have those at the back of my mind to worry about. I should start losing those eye bags too; which means sleep RIGHT NOW for me.

My last night in Palmerston House. I feel like a poor college student right now, honestly and Cheryl agrees with me- we're using our laptops on our beds that have no quilts or pillows and a room that's been stripped bare. It looks so barren and empty now compared to just a week ago. I actually think I'm gonna miss the coziness of a room shared with a friend. *wistful sighs*

Well, I'm all packed up and ready to go :) It's exciting to know that there's so much in-store for the holidays and (hopefully), for university next year! So much has happened this year................... I feel like I've grown up so much. And oh the drama and obstacles that I've surpassed. Never knew how fast a year can pass- it seems like no time has passed since the start of the year. Everything I've done feels like it's been done by someone other than me, and I'm just watching at the sidelines. It hasn't really hit me yet that I've graduated from Trinity cause things are just happening way too fast. Damn. 

 

Before I write down what I wanted to post, I must say that it's strangely ironic how I'm so active on livejournal during my exam period as opposed to normal school days. Shows just what I'm doing instead of studying, LOL.

Anyway..... HELLO DECEMBER :D The month of Christmas, of endings, of holidays, of beautifully lit streets, of presents, of forgiveness, of His birth, of my best friends' birthdays and a mere 43 days before I turn 19. God, 19 years old in a month and a half time. I bloody well can't believe it. Time passes too damn fast. Felt like it was just yesterday (yes, I'm in danger of sounding like a nostalgic grandma) when I  was begging to turn 16. Contrary to what most people feel about crossing the 18th mark; I'm actually pleased to be growing up. Cause turning 19 means entering university and it's been my dream since forever to get into a university. And then of course, there's the thing about finding work which I'm strangely excited for. I'm not going into the commerce/arts/environments field after all; I'll be working in the healthcare sector and that too, has been a dream of mine for a long long while. Yeah, not even gonna mention dating cause my dating life is probably gonna be nonexistent even when I'm in university. So YESS I'm excited, nervous and a tad bit scared that it's already December. 

I'm kinda sad and disappointed that I won't be seeing much of my brother though :/ Bloody idiot just HAD to go for 6 weeks worth of OCIP- and in Romania of all places. It's so freaking far away and he'll be away for such a long time! *pouts* The house is gonna be so empty and quiet without him there. And to make things worse, he can't come to Melbourne with me at the start of next year cause he volunteered (again -.-) to be the orientation group leader for his school's freshman orientation. That just roughly translates to flying back to Perth 2 weeks earlier than his school term. UGHHH doesn't that idiot know how much I miss him!! ): I might just head down to Perth in April next year to visit him and MAKE him entertain me LOL. Cause after all, he'll be in Denmark/USA/China from June till December, which means that I can't visit him in September either. Sighs. Will I ever see him for more than a few weeks anymore? ):

On a more random note- I'm suffering from TVD (The Vampire Diaries) and Tumblr withdrawals. With my horridly slow and limited internet, I can't watch ANY of the Season 3 episodes of TVD OR Tumblr; which sucks BIG time :/ Thankfully, I'll be socializing loads the next 2 days with parties, sleepovers and a plane flight home (where my unlimited and super fast internet resides). Sighs, meanwhile though................ back to Biology. Gotta finish the practice paper before sleeping.

ONE LAST PAPER!!! :D I've never felt so relieved, honestly. It feels as though a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders already and I'm not even done with the exams. I'm finally done with chemistry for the year!! *squeals* Couldn't even sleep properly last night; I only fell asleep at 4am when I got into bed at around 130am ._. I didn't realize how exhausted I was though, till I finished the exam- I was dead to the world (literally) for like 3 hours. And it was the best sleep I've had in a long while. Last paper's on Thursday and I'm gonna finish this marathon with a huge BANG. Not gonna let my discipline and focus slip just yet, though I haven't actually started studying yet and it's already 10pm. Everyone keeps asking me to take a break but now that I'm on a roll, I just can't stop. It feels so good to know that I'm actually putting in my 200% for the finals cause then at least, I won't have regrets when the results come out on the 19th of December. I really really hope that all will go well but if it doesn't, then I guess I'll just have to try harder. But, no more regrets.

I feel so thankful and blessed though. Wonderful things have been happening to me recently and I just feel, as Ariel always says, high on life right now :) Thanks be to The Lord, for He is our Provider.

At this time next Sunday, I'll be on the plane, probably hovering right above the Atlantic ocean and excited as about going home. It's my last official week in Melbourne for 2011 and also, the end of my exams. I've no idea what to feel right now, so I'm not bothering to figure it out. I'm just gonna go with what's coming and then fly back home- right to my lovely bed :) At least, my boring days are going to be over soon!!! I'm so bloody excited for the sleepover on Thursday and Friday!!!!! :) BBQ on both days, plus great company and at two different locations WHOOHOO~!! I can't wait to visit the suburbs again cause they're just so pretty and peaceful. It'll be wonderful to not have the shadow of impending examinations looming over my shoulder- I'm getting so sick of constantly forcing myself to stay focused on the task at hand. There are just too many moments when I feel like I can just... snap. 

Anyway, the Christmas party at church today was pretty amazing :) I had so much fun making the finger foods at Ivan's apartment cause he had on " Two and a Half-Men" and that was just so funny :b We had the service filled with Christmas songs (that I love) and a good sermon about the birth of Christ. Then came the awesome party itself, which was filled with AWESOME FOOD and those adult-ish games like "Trivia" and "Kris Kringle" (which is basically just a gift exchange). The only fault I can find with Scot's Presbyterian is that there are just way too many adults there. I mean, yeah I'm growing up and all, but I do want to savour the feeling of NOT being a grown-up between now and the time I graduate. Otherwise... I love how homely the place is and how everyone takes such good care of us. I seriously miss Bridge Church though- and I'm definitely heading back there next year when University begins to join the services and my cell-group. 

Right, gotta get back to genetic engineering and the likes before I decide to slack off again :c Seriously cannot wait for my examinations to end.

Two papers left before graduation!! :) Time's just whizzing by me whilst I'm standing right in the middle, unsure yet excited at the same time. I really can't wait to go home~  it feels like it's been forever since I was home when I was only back 2 months prior. There's so much that I want to do back home too!!! So many people to catch up with, so much exercise to do (after all the food binges that I had), so many shows to watch and so much food to eat!!! OMNOMNOM 8D

What HAVE I been up to? OH right- I never knew that it was possible to, but I managed to memorize close to two essays for my HOI exam yesterday. It was so crazy cause it literally took me one afternoon and the morning of the exam to remember everything. OMG I felt so proud of myself for actually managing that feat! I've never liked memorizing stuff for exams but I understood the appeal yesterday; just stuff everything into your brain and spew it all out again during the exam. Then forget everything about it! :) Well, it works for me cept I don't forget anything about it LOL, so yay, more brain space taken up. Gonna complete the applications for the residential colleges soon too and there's all that packing to do before I get home. Went to the self-storage company yesterday to look at the size of the storage space and settle the paperwork; made me feel so grown-up with all the independence. There's not much rest when I get home either; there's the Basic Theory Test (BTT) that I've to rush to study for and take and then there's those driving lessons. HAHAH soon I'll finish my transformation into an adult when I get my driver's license :b 

Despite the overwhelming number of things that I've to do right now, on top of my exams, I don't actually feel overwhelmed by it all. On the contrary, it feels really good to be kept busy again :) Keeps my mind off food (cept' for those moments of absolute boredom) and other negative thoughts. I like it. Definitely gonna' get loads of extra-curricular activities into my schedule next year; dance, mountaineering, church, christian union, debate, cooking etc etc. 

Right. Enough procrastinating Trace, get back to work right now!!!